I thought I was ambitious, but I was just insecure

Yeah. I don't think I can handle all this "change the world," build something that makes people go crazy. Or be like Steve Jobs and be the greatest of all time bullshit.

The more I think about the ambitious me, the more I see the insecure, fragile, and fearful me.

I have become mentally sick with this mentality. The mentality of being the great, the greatest, as I have come to realize that there's no end to it. And am so so lucky to understand this now not out of fear of losing, or am scared. But I can see it through, the ambitions are just another form of my insecurity and inferiority complex.

Most people never realize this. It only hits them on their deathbed, when they finally ask, what was I chasing?

The why?

So I asked myself. "why are you working so hard, wanting it so badly, always so restless? What's the real reason?"

And, like most people, I gave myself the usual answers:

• i'm doing it for my family

• for my future wife

• for my future kids

• because "i enjoy it"

• because i want to be the best

• because i’m different

• because i’m ambitious

• because i want to be like the greats

And believe me—try it yourself. List 10 reasons why you work so hard, why you want that money, that fame, that $10K. Is it because you truly need it? Or is it just to prove that you can do it? Is it a badge you’re trying to show the world?

No matter what you say, regardless of what your mind convinces you to believe. I've realized all ambitions are just another form of insecurity, and inferiority complex.

The real reasons that I found were.

• i want to be seen

• i want people to think great about me

• i want to be the best to prove the world i exist

• i want to leave my mark

• i want to show my parents what they gave birth to

• i want to show my kids how cool their dad is

• i want to show my wife who she married

• i want to show my teachers who doubted me

• i want to be the best

• i don't want to be the part of "normies"

And now I am starting to get the point Diogenes wanted Alexander to understand when he rejected Alexanders power, status, and validation. Diogenes self-sufficiency, the free mentality made Alexander jealous. He might have seen that, not that Alexander wanted to live like Diogenes on the roadside. He might have wanted the inner freedom. He might have become mentally tired of conquering one mountain after another. He might have had the biggest inefrirority complex deep inside him, or who in his right mind wants to conquer the whole goddamn world? Only the one who's not satisfied within.

That same sickness lives in me. And I can see it in everyone I once admired.

It's a heavy baggage you see, very heavy baggage. Something nobody is responsible for, but me.

We listen to motivational speeches, see some documentaries and think how fuckin cowards we are. Oh that footballer is so GOAT, wish I was. That actor did a great job, I should be the best at my work too.

But don’t fool yourself into thinking you won’t end up scared of losing it all. That fear hides behind the mask of “ambition.” We all wore that mask.

I’m writing this because I’m going through it right now. I tweet and keep refreshing, waiting to see who liked it, who agreed, who didn’t. I send a DM, and if they don’t reply, I feel embarrassed—like I shouldn’t have even tried. The truth is, most of what I’ve done wasn’t out of love. I don’t even know what it means to truly love your work. How could I? When all my mind wants is approval. Wants admiration from people who don’t even know I exist. People who’ll never really know me. Yet I keep hoping they’ll notice me. Appreciate me.

I am writing this because we all have this inside us. Unconsciously hiding in deep dark sides. And I want you to sit down, just sit down for 15 minutes. And see yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Who am I trying to prove myself to—and why do they have that power over me?

• If no one ever praised me again, would I still do what I do?

• What fear am I disguising as ambition?

• What part of me am I trying to fix through success?

• Do I truly love what I do, or do I just love how it makes me look?

Ask these and write the answers. And please don't lie to yourself, don't play another act of being a saint, nobody is and that's fine. Just answer these honestly.

Here's a letter from Sol LeWitt that he wrote to to an artist Eva Hesse who was struggling with self-doubt, perfectionism, and overthinking.

Dear Eva,

It will be almost a month since you wrote to me and you have possibly forgotten your state of mind (I doubt it though). You seem the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don’t!

Learn to say “Fuck You” to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping, confusing, itchin, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, numbling, rumbling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO!

From your description, and from what I know of your previous work and you [sic] ability; the work you are doing sounds very good “Drawing-clean-clear but crazy like machines, larger and bolder… real nonsense.” That sounds fine, wonderful – real nonsense. Do more. More nonsensical, more crazy, more machines, more breasts, penises, cunts, whatever – make them abound with nonsense. Try and tickle something inside you, your “weird humor.” You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you – draw & paint your fear and anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as “to decide on a purpose and way of life, a consistant [sic] approach to even some impossible end or even an imagined end” You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO!

I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work – the worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell – you are not responsible for the world – you are only responsible for your work – so DO IT. And don’t think that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be. But if life would be easier for you if you stopped working – then stop. Don’t punish yourself. However, I think that it is so deeply engrained in you that it would be easier to DO

It seems I do understand your attitude somewhat, anyway, because I go through a similar process every so often. I have an “Agonizing Reappraisal” of my work and change everything as much as possible = and hate everything I’ve done, and try to do something entirely different and better. Maybe that kind of process is necessary to me, pushing me on and on. The feeling that I can do better than that shit I just did. Maybe you need your agony to accomplish what you do. And maybe it goads you on to do better. But it is very painful I know. It would be better if you had the confidence just to do the stuff and not even think about it. Can’t you leave the “world” and “ART” alone and also quit fondling your ego. I know that you (or anyone) can only work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you work or before your work you have to empty you [sic] mind and concentrate on what you are doing. After you do something it is done and that’s that. After a while you can see some are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I’m sure you know all that. You also must know that you don’t have to justify your work – not even to yourself. Well, you know I admire your work greatly and can’t understand why you are so bothered by it. But you can see the next ones and I can’t. You also must believe in your ability. I think you do. So try the most outrageous things you can – shock yourself. You have at your power the ability to do anything.

I would like to see your work and will have to be content to wait until Aug or Sept. I have seen photos of some of Tom’s new things at Lucy’s. They are impressive – especially the ones with the more rigorous form: the simpler ones. I guess he’ll send some more later on. Let me know how the shows are going and that kind of stuff.

My work had changed since you left and it is much better. I will be having a show May 4 -9 at the Daniels Gallery 17 E 64yh St (where Emmerich was), I wish you could be there. Much love to you both.

At last. Do whatever you want to do, and say fuck you to the world. Don't care what others think of you or your work. Who care's if they think you're not good enough. Fuck them and their opinions.

Be yourself, fully, unapologetically. Not with arrogance, not to prove anything, but with love. Real love. For life. For people. Even for the ones who don’t clap when you win.

If they like you, be at peace. If they don’t, be at peace. If they praise your work, receive it with humility. If they criticize it, listen—then let it go. It's okay to feel uncertain, but don’t lose yourself trying to be loved by everyone. Validation fades. What matters is that you stay honest with yourself.

Play your small role with care. That’s enough. That’s always been enough.

And if there’s one thing worth holding on to it’s love. Quiet, gentle love. For yourself, for others, for the life you get to live.